The Hope and the Need
by John Reed
Summary: After Episode 4x01, Elena tells Damon what she really wants and makes a proposal (if that is the right word). Chapters follow each season 4 episode as Damon and Elena stick with their agreement...
1. Choosing

_After Episode 4x01 … I hope it's a missing scene (but I have my doubts, so not a part of Lying to Herself…) _

"Didn't expect you home so soon, Brother," Damon said as Stefan entered the Boarding House. Actually, he knew Stefan was coming. Elena had called him and asked him to meet her, which was the only reason he didn't throw in a jibe about his finally being able to leave Elena. She asked Damon not to say anything to Stefan, so Damon held back.

"Where are you going?" Stefan asked as Damon passed him and went through the door.

"Hunting," was all Damon said as he entered his car. If Stefan responded, Damon didn't hear it.

Damon hadn't really wanted to meet Elena. He started to decline, not really wanting to hear her justify why she chose Stefan, or why she saved Matt; but she asked him to do it 'for her'. That always worked on him, even though he had once told her to stop expecting him to do things just because it was her that was asking. He was considering saying it again as he arrived at the meeting place.

It was a picnic area in the woods outside of town. Elena had already arrived, and was out of her car, sitting at a picnic table. He wasn't sure what to expect from her as he exited his car. He walked to her at a normal pace, knowing his expression was hard, wondering what she could possibly want to say to him that she hadn't said the night before.

He could tell she was tentative as she rose to meet him. He stopped a couple of feet from her. She didn't close the gap, she just said, "Hey. Thanks for coming."

"Sure," he said.

She cringed a little at the curtness of his reply, but what else could she have expected? She reminded herself that she was here to fix this.

"I have a…" Elena began. She almost said 'proposition', but decided that wasn't the right word, though the word she used wasn't much better. "I have a proposal."

Damon's his hard expression moved to a slight smirk. "Proposal," Damon repeated, then looked down at Elena's finger, at her new ring. He looked back into her eyes with a bigger smirk, tilting his head as if it was a question.

Elena grimaced and shook her head. "It's a daylight ring – nothing more. Bonnie made it for me."

"Does Stefan know that?"

Elena looked at him, tentative again. "Did Stefan say something to you?"

Damon snorted. "Stefan is spending all of his time with his Elena. He's said nothing to me."

"He's just making sure I'm OK."

Damon nodded, his face serious again. "About time. Maybe he can keep you safe, now that you're a vampire."

Elena cringed again. She knew Damon blamed Stefan for her unwanted transition. She knew this was his way of reminding her of the difference between the brothers.

"What can I say, Damon? He did what I asked. He usually does."

Damon's smirk was back. "Sure he does, when he's not all Ripper."

"I know," Elena said quickly. "You're right. He saved Matt, you would have saved me. I get that."

She hesitated, as Damon's face became blank. When he didn't respond, she continued, "You would have given me what you think I wanted…"

"What I know you wanted." Damon interrupted.

Elena quickly nodded. "And you're right, it was what I wanted." She made sure she had his eyes as she added, "And since you told me that, sometimes I've wished that you had been there instead of Stefan. That you had saved me, that I could still have that life."

Damon softened, the glare was gone.

"I'm the selfish one," Elena continued. "I'm the one who still wishes I could have that life. I'm the one who never wanted to be a vampire, who never wanted to lose my humanity."

She lowered her head as she said, "You would have never taken that from me. Stefan took that life, my humanity from me. You would have let me keep it."

She looked into his eyes again, adding, "He took your humanity from you, and he took my humanity from me. And the selfish part of me hates him for it."

Damon had trouble believing what she was saying, but let her continue.

"So we're the same, Damon. Both of us wanting our humanity, but having had it stolen from us." She made sure she had his eyes again as she added, "Please, don't make me do this alone."

He looked confused again, as he added, "You have Stefan. You chose Stefan."

She had to look away briefly. "I didn't want to. You made me…"

"You chose him." Damon interrupted. "You told me you were going back to him when you called me."

"I told you that it wasn't just him, that it was to my family and friends. And I told you that I couldn't think about forever, I could only think about right now." She took a step towards him, a little relieved when he didn't take a step back. "Damon, I went back to Stefan because I thought he needed me."

Damon's face hardened slightly, so she rushed on. "Not just him, I thought Jeremy needed me. I think they still need me."

Damon looked away as she continued, "And I knew that you didn't. You've always been stronger."

Damon's voice sounded harsh, even to him. "You said it was because you met him first, that he came into your life at a time when you needed him."

"That was true, Damon, about me needing someone like him. Now I know that I met you first."

"But it doesn't matter," Damon said, a little bitterly.

"It doesn't, but not for the reason you think. Damon, a lot was going on and I didn't know everything. I said what I said because you made me say something, but it was only because I thought he needed me. I still think he needs me."

Damon shook his head. "At least you know he's needy."

"I didn't want to choose," Elena repeated.

"Is that what you told Stefan?" Damon asked, hard expression back on his face.

Elena had to lower her eyes again. "I didn't say anything, until we in a cage, and I wanted him to have hope. So I told him I was going back to him, I told him I wanted him to have hope."

"It worked," Damon growled. "He has hope." Damon started to turn around to leave.

"He needs hope," Elena said frantically, "but Damon, I need you."

Though he had taken a couple of steps away from her, Damon froze.

He did not turn back to her immediately.

"Please don't make me do this alone," she repeated.

He finally turned back to her. "Do what?"

She looked desperate as she said, "Damon, I've lost everything. All my dreams are gone. My only family left is Jeremy, and he probably hates me. The only other things I have are Stefan, who really is an insufferable martyr, and you. Please don't make me do this alone."

She was relieved that Damon was smirking now. "You think Stefan is a martyr?"

Elena snorted. "I'm selfish, not stupid. I know what you've been doing for me, and though sometimes I've been a bitch about it, I know I'm here because of it."

"Yet, you chose…"

"I choose you, Damon," she interrupted. "I choose you."

Damon stared at her in what she thought must be unbelief. "Do you remember what I said about not being able to keep track of your choices?" he asked.

Elena shook her head and lowered her eyes again. "I can't…" she began, before stopping herself and lifting her eyes to his. "You love me. I know that. And when I'm with you, you consume me." She let out a breath, but managed to hold his eyes. "I need that. I want that."

When Damon was sure she would not continue, he asked, "And you shared this with Stefan?"

The Doppelganger shook her head. "Stefan can never know."

Damon turned from her again, obviously unhappy, but she grabbed his arm and turned him back to face her. "Think about it Damon," she said desperately. "If Stefan loses hope, he may start killing humans again. There's no Lexi to save him. The only ones who can, are you and me. "

When he still looked a little unsure, she added, "I know you want him to keep control of himself. So do I. We want the same thing."

Damon shook his head again. "There's a lot of things you want from him that I don't want."

"I want you," Elena repeated.

"You mean want me to share you with him. Elena…" he began

She interrupted him. "I want you. I never said share."

Damon stared at her, but eventually managed to say, "You want me. You want him to have hope. He has hope when he thinks you love him. He can never know you want me."

Elena lowered her head and bit her lip.

"And no sharing," Damon finished summarizing.

Elena nodded her head. "I'll tell him I need time, that I still need to think things over."

"Giving him hope." Damon said.

Elena nodded.

"And he can never know that you choose me."

Another nod.

"Where's the fun, if I can't taunt him?" Damon asked, smirking.

Elena reached up and pulled him into a kiss. It wasn't the same intensity as some of their past kisses, but she hoped it got the message across.

"I'm the fun," she said, pulling back just enough to look into his eyes.

"This is your proposal?" Damon asked, holding onto her.

She nodded. "He can never know."

"You know he's clingy," Damon said, moving in for another kiss.

She nodded as best she could, then when they had pulled apart, said "I never said it would be easy. But I think it would be worth it. Don't you?"

He held her eyes only briefly, before saying, "I accept," before letting himself fall back into kissing her.


	2. The Slipup

_This little scene begins after Season 4, Episode 2 - Memorial_

Damon could tell that Elena was upset as she approached him. Still, it was a surprise when she walked past him and went a few steps further before turning to face him.

"I don't know if this is going to work, Damon." Elena was shaking her head as she spoke.

"We just started…" Damon began before she interrupted.

"You told him? You told him that you were helping me?" Elena challenged, followed by an agitated stare as she waited for his response.

Damon glared slightly as he told her the truth in response. "He knows I would help you with anything. Anyway, it wasn't intentional. He saw me putting the blood bag away when you went back to the church. I tried to tell him it was for me, but he just didn't believe me."

Elena shook his head, still agitated, but she took a step towards him. "One rule, Damon. He can never know. That was the only rule."

"I guess he's just suspicious of us." Damon tentatively reached for her, but she stayed put.

"He's supposed to be past that."

Damon dropped his hands. "Uh…look at what we're doing".

"I have to fix this," Elena said, rubbing her head with her hand.

Damon turned away. "If you must."

Elena closed the gap now, and spoke to him earnestly. "Come on Damon. The reason is still valid. He needs hope."

"Are you sure about that?" Damon asked, suddenly turning to face her. She was very close to him now. "Maybe he's matured into someone that can let you go."

She shook her head and closed her eyes. "You didn't see him after the service. Do you know how he made me feel - just because I asked you for help?"

"He wasn't supportive?" Damon asked, a slight smirk on his face.

"He acted like a martyr. And he made me feel like I was martyring him – or whatever. God knows what he would have done if I had chosen you."

"But you did…"

"You know what I mean - if I was stupid enough to tell him that I chose you."

Damon's face was serious as he pulled her chin up to meet her eyes. "Well, based on what he does whenever you speak to me without him watching, he would have punched me. Like he did."

Elena cringed, but didn't question his claim. "I'm sorry."

"I'm used to it Elena. That's just the way he deals when he thinks you get too close to me."

Elena nodded, moving to sit on the ground against a nearby tree. "We have to keep trying. We have to keep him under control until he really is strong enough on his own."

Damon joined her, and spoke as she leaned against him. "We could test him now, Elena. Tell him…"

She shook her head. "No. He's not ready. Do you know what he did after Matt had given me some of his blood? I said I wanted to help April. He said we couldn't. He said it was too risky. He would have let her die."

Damon slipped an arm around her as he responded, "I was right there, Elena. Anyway, he sounds like me – let anyone but you die."

She shook her head. "No. I know the difference. You would have gone with me to save her – just like you went with me to save him."

"Don't be so sure…" Damon began, speaking softly, though she wasn't listening to him. She was lost in her own thoughts.

"I've got to fix this. He's not ready. All he sees is me – he doesn't care what happens to anyone else."

Damon smirked a little again. "You're the one who gave him hope."

She to eyes to glare up at him, so he finally gave in. "Fine. Do what you have to do."

She finally turned to hug him. "You too, Damon. Do what you have to. He can never know."

"Hey – I left the 'lantern ceremony'."

She didn't move – she was enjoying herself too much. "You wanted to leave. You weren't lying when you said you thought it was stupid.

"I should still get points. I kept everyone in the dark about us."

"Yeah." Elena said into his chest. "No one suspects – except the one who can never know."

Damon sighed.

"It's done." She whispered. "Well figure something out."

She was still sitting, still leaning against him when she thought of something, and pulled back to look into his eyes.

"Where did you go. anyway – when you left the lantern ceremony, I mean."

Damon's eyes moved from hers to stare forward when he responded. "I went to Rick - to his grave. I got a bottle…and I talked to him."

She smiled, slightly. "No lantern?"

"Lanterns are stupid. I just talked to him. I told him I felt trapped, that I should have left town by now. I told him that Stefan got the girl, all I got was a bunch of …whatever, to take care of."

Elena pulled back even more. "Stefan got the girl? Damon…"

"Hey, someone could have been listening," he quickly said, not willing to voice the insecurity this 'proposal' of hers made him feel.

Elena nodded her head. "Ok. Sorry." Then she shook her head as she leaned back into him. "We have so little time together. I can't believe I spent it doing this - arguing."

"Whatever you need, Elena," Damon said as he wrapped his arms around her.

She felt a little better. "Ok. So we're still going to do it, right? I'll fix things with Stefan somehow, and we'll keep doing this."

"For as long as you want to," was his whispered reply.

"Thank you. I need to be sure about him before…just, thank you."

"This is more than you've ever given me, Elena. Just like always, I'll take whatever you'll give me for as long as…" He let his voice trail off, thinking he might be revealing his insecurity again.

"It's not forever," she said.

Damon snorted. "You really haven't known Stefan all that long. I'm not sure he'll ever change."

Elena didn't respond. She just snuggled up to him as close as she could, annoyed that she had spent so much of their short time together talking about Stefan.

* * *

_So this was going to be a one-shot, but after episode 2, I thought it was actually reasonable for Elena to get so frustrated with Stefan that she would pull a stunt like this. Anyway, it is as good an explanation as any for TV Elena's continued acceptance of Stefan and his many flaws…And I may just keep doing this, for as long as it seems to me like Elena's only reason for keeping Stefan might be to give him hope…_


	3. The Burning and the Visions

_This little scene is a continuation of the Damon/Elena scene near the end of Season 4, Episode 3 - The Rager_

Elena knew it wasn't the time, and it wasn't the place. She had arranged, with Damon, the meeting times and places, and this was not one of them. Still, she couldn't help herself - she hugged Damon.

It had been a really sucky day. Damon had been rude to her earlier about the stake, she had to convince Stefan that things were okay between them, as well as listen to his lecture about rage and guilt. And she had almost killed Matt.

It was hard for her to imagine, but her ride with Stefan had been the highlight of the day – at least until Damon was standing right in front of her, speaking gently to her, touching her, agreeing to help her.

It wasn't the right place and it wasn't the right time, but she hugged him. It was only after she felt his arms wrap around her that she realized what she was doing, that she became nervous. She quickly gave him a push and he stepped back.

When he looked at her questioningly, she said, "Stefan or Jeremy could be here."

"We're alone, Elena. You knew that when you fed from Matt."

She shook her head. "I didn't check. I was just talking with him and he offered his wrist. I couldn't resist – I really didn't really mean to feed off of him. I was just so hungry."

She let him pull her into another hug. "Don't worry," Damon said. "I'll know if Stefan or Jeremy shows."

"Even Stefan?" she asked in a whisper. Weren't vampires supposed to move silently?

"Especially Stefan. He'll be calling you're name out when he's within a mile of here."

She let herself hug him tightly until she became nervous again, then she pulled back. She was looking around, a little tentatively, when he spoke again.

"I assume you fixed things with Stefan. He was talking about taking you out for fun."

Elena cringed, just a little. He had told to do what she needed to, and she had. Still, she was embarrassed about it. She nodded as she looked up into his eyes. "He took me riding on his…"

"Mmm," was all Damon said when she hesitated.

"It was fun," she continued. "And afterwards, he…uh, we…you know." She looked away thinking she couldn't do this if she had to tell him certain things.

"Oh," he said, taking a step back. "You said you were going to put him off."

Elena glared back at him, her cheeks burning. "And you were to never let him know." She shook herself and added, "Nothing really happened anyway. We were kissing, or whatever, and…I saw you."

Damon scowled and repeated what she had said, though as a question. "You saw me?"

Elena looked down and nodded.

"So you pulled him closer? Thinking, or pretending, that it was me?"

She shook her had and looked back into his eyes. "It startled me. I guess I woke up. I pushed him away."

"Ah," Damon said, a small smirk on his face. "A crumb for me. He must not have been happy."

Her cheeks were burning again. "That's when we figured out that I had werewolf venom in me."

Damon was obviously startled. He moved back to her and asked, "What?"

"Werewolf venom." Elena repeated. "I guess I got it Rebekah's party."

He had hold of both of her arms now, looking into her eyes, but turned his head to the side. "Elena…"

"It's fine. Stefan got Klaus to heal me."

Damon looked a little confused again. "Klaus was with me, killing the hunter."

Elena closed her eyes and shook her head. "I don't know. I just know that…that I saw you, again, before Klaus came. We talked. You said I was more like you than Stefan."

Damon smirked again. "Well, your hallucinations know what's true. Did you pay attention?"

She grimaced and he softened. "So Stefan left you to rest? And you called for your blood-mobile."

"Damon, please. I didn't mean to…"

"Shh. It's ok. We'll take care of this."

Elena nodded and almost closed her eyes again, but he was pulling her chin up. She thought he was moving in for a kiss, and she wanted one just then. When he hesitated, she pulled on his arms to try to pull him closer - but he pulled back.

"Jeremy's home," he whispered.

She reluctantly let him back away from her as she tried to regain her self-control; as she tried to remember when she and Damon had agreed to have their next secret rendezvous.


	4. What She Wants to Be

_This little scene begins after the end of Season 4, Episode 4 - The Five_

Elena approached the park slowly. She could see that Damon was already there, waiting for her. She was actually relieved to see him.

She had to grimace as she walked towards him, her mind returning to the previous evening when Damon had taken her home. She was surprised when Stefan interrupted them. Surely Damon knew she hadn't wanted to see his brother. It was bad enough that she couldn't really talk to him while they were with Bonnie, but to be unexpectedly interrupted by Stefan while Damon was still upset with her was intolerable. It was all she could do to keep from running after him to finish her explanation, to get him to understand.

It was hard to even look at Stefan while Damon was walking away from them, but she managed to force herself to meet his eyes as he spoke to her. She managed to answer his question without giving much away, other than what she had been trying to convey to Damon – that doing what she needed to do was hard for her. She wasn't sure if Damon had remained close enough to hear it all, to see Stefan as he 'comforted' her. She didn't want this rendezvous to turn into her having to explain to Damon what happened between her and Stefan, but she wasn't surprised that he sometimes asked her about it.

"You came," she said as Damon moved to meet her.

"Surprised?" Damon asked. They both stopped a couple of feet apart, each trying to read the other's expression.

"You know I didn't expect him to be at my house." She said, knowing her expression was pleading for his understanding. "You know I wasn't happy about him interrupting us."

"I know," Damon said. "I could see that. Still, you said the same thing you said to me – you told him that you didn't want to be like me."

Elena shook her head. "No, Damon. I didn't say anything like that – not to him or to you. I didn't mention you at all."

"But you didn't deny it," he challenged. "When I asked you directly if you didn't want to be like me, you didn't deny it."

"I was interrupted," she said quickly, not wanting him to say anymore about it. "You caught me off guard, and I …"

"You what?" He asked when she didn't finish.

She took a step towards him and almost tried to pull him into a hug, but held back. "I've had a chance to think about it, Damon. And while we were…feeding," she had to look away as if embarrassed, "nothing mattered. I had enough control to know I didn't want to hurt them – the people I was feeding on, but nothing else mattered."

"And it was awful," he said, scowling as he repeated what she had told Stefan. "I was hoping you were just keeping our ruse going with him, but you told him the truth. You let him…"

It started her when he broke off his sentence. "I was just keeping the ruse up, Damon, and it was hard at first." She shook her head at the memory. "The truth just…sort of came out."

"The truth that you don't want to be like me," he repeated, still harsher than she would like.

"The truth that I don't want to lose control of myself like that – that if I do, I don't know what I'll find when I come back to my senses again." Her eyes were pleading for understanding as they looked into his.

Damon assumed the worst, "So you'd rather be like Stefan…"

"No!" Elena interrupted again. "You tell me he's delusional, and you're right. I don't know everything he's done, but I know I don't want to do it."

Damon's face softened for the first time in what seemed to Elena like forever. His voice was gentler, though exasperated, when he said. "Then I don't know what you want. You don't want to be like Stefan and you don't want to be like me."

She pulled him into a hug now, "I want to be me, Damon. I want to be me, and I want to be with you." She relaxed a little as she felt his arms wrap around her.

"I don't know what that means," Damon whispered.

"Neither do I." she answered, moaning slightly as she felt his hand on the back of her head, "But I know you'll help me figure it out."

He backed away slightly as he moved one of his hands to her chin, gently pulling it up as he moved in to kiss her.

"I'll help you with anything," he whispered, just before pressing his lips to hers.

Elena felt her doubts and fears slip away again, something that always seemed to happen when she was alone with Damon.


	5. The Third

_This little scene begins after the end of Season 4, Episode 5 - The Killer_

Damon waited for what seemed like forever. He knew Elena was in her bathroom, but she was making very little noise. Still, he could tell that she was upset, though that was the way she had been for most of the day.

She finally came through the door. He was unsure of what she would do when she saw him – Stefan had said she wanted to be alone. Damon hoped that she was just putting his brother off, but he could not be sure.

"Damon," she said, startling him out of his thoughts. All of this waiting, but he wasn't ready for her when she came.

She looked around nervously. "Are you alone? I told Stefan…"

"He got the message," Damon interrupted. "He'll keep his distance – tonight, anyway."

She nodded slightly, then asked, "Jeremy?"

"Asleep. It is 2 AM, Elena."

She closed her eyes and rushed forward, pulling him into a tight hug. "Okay."

He returned her hug with one hand, stroking her hair with the other. After a few seconds he asked, "Are you okay?"

"No," she said as he felt her head moving, shaking slightly.

"You will be," he whispered to her.

"I don't know how," she answered, her face still buried into him. "I killed…"

Damon tightened his grip. "Remember what he tried to do us, to your brother and your friends."

"And to me," Elena said, finally pulling back. "I had him twice, but I let him live. Both times he tried to kill me."

"I wish I'd have been there," Damon growled. "He wouldn't have got a second chance."

Elena sat on her bed and rubbed her head with her hands. "He didn't get a third."

Damon sat by her and put his arm around her. "He used Jeremy to get to us."

"He nearly killed Jeremy right in front of me," Elena added. She was looking down now, though her hands were at her side. "He was like Stefan at his worst, not caring who he hurt while he tried to get what he wanted."

Damon pulled his arm back from her at the sound of his brother's name. Stefan was a subject he did not want to come up when he was alone with Elena.

She sat up and looked at him now. "It's true. I don't think he's any different now."

"Stefan?" Damon asked.

Elena nodded. "You heard him. We all wanted to take Connor out, and all he did was stall. But it wasn't about Matt and April, or me, like he said. It was his deal with Klaus."

Damon felt the slightest twinge of a need to defend his brother's motive, but held back. Elena definitely had enough to deal with right now – and she was right about Stefan anyway.

"Forget Stefan," Damon said. "This is about you."

"I wish I could forget about him," Elena said, reaching for his hand, taking it. "But he's worse than ever. We have to keep all of this up."

"The 'hope' thing," Damon said, sounding disgusted.

She thought he might be pulling his hand away, so she grabbed it with her other hand as well. "I don't like it either, Damon, and he's making this so hard for me – for us. But I think we have to. He's worse than Connor."

Damon found himself glaring at her, but forced himself to soften as Elena said, "It'll be easier to put him off now."

He nodded, just a little, then pulled suddenly on the hand she was holding. She ended up in his lap and seemed to be trying not to giggle. He put his free hand onto her head and pulled her gently so that he could whisper into her ear. "Forget Stefan. This is about you. Are you alright?"

He felt her mood shift as she shook her head. "I'm seeing things again, hallucinating."

"What?" he asked, trying to move her head to look into her eyes. "Did he hit you with venom…"

"No!" she quickly said. "I think it's just guilt. I'm seeing things that I think about myself. Things that go away – aren't really there."

Damon wasn't sure he should be relieved yet, but she didn't feel hot or clammy like she was sick. He let himself smirk a little. "No visions of me?"

Elena laughed. "I wish, but no."

"Of course, you don't need visions. Here I am."

"Here you are," she repeated, giving him a hug and a kiss before standing and moving to lie in her bed. "But this isn't one of the times we're supposed to be alone. Jeremy, if no one else, might hear us."

He watched her climb in bed before standing. "But what are we going to do about you?"

"Right now," Elena answered, "I'm going to rest and hope that this is all just the effects of a really bad day. If it continues, then we'll figure something out."

Damon nodded. Her eyes were already closed as he leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Then I'll let you rest."

He was heading towards the window when he heard her soft voice, "Please stay."

Damon turned back, Elena's eyes were still closed. "Jeremy…" he began.

"Is asleep. One of us will hear if he starts to come in here."

When he didn't move, she opened her eyes. "I don't want to be alone tonight, Damon. I might have another halluci…"

She closed her eyes again. "Please stay."

He didn't have to be asked a third time.


	6. Ruse's End

_This little scene is a visit into Elena's head before and during the last scene of Season 4, Episode 6 – We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes_

It wasn't supposed to be so hard, this arrangement that Elena had with Damon. It was supposed to be easy – Stefan would give her enough space to see Damon when they agreed. She would stay close enough to Stefan to give him hope.

Stefan really was giving her enough room, though she had to get closer to him a couple of times to keep up the ruse. She had been able to do it, hard as it was. And it was hard.

Elena had always heard that a new vampire's emotions were stronger, more erratic, so she wasn't really surprised when her feelings for Damon were magnified. She wasn't even really surprised that it happened on the first day of her transition. She was completely consumed in the memories she had of the events that Damon had compelled her to forget. If that wasn't enough, when she was face to face with him after saving Matt from him, she found herself completely consumed by him, by her feelings for him, again.

She knew then that she wanted what it seemed only Damon could give her. It was then that she made her proposal to Damon. And her feelings for him, her trust of him, only got stronger as time passed; as he helped her through her transition.

It wasn't just her feelings for Damon that were magnified, other things were as well. She was even more determined not to hurt anyone, more determined to protect Jeremy from the vampire drama that had been forced upon her. And she was less tolerant of Stefan, of his insecurity, his complaints that Damon was helping her.

Still, she wanted him to have hope, so she played the part. She tried to encourage Stefan, make him believe that he was the one helping her. She thought it was working, until Stefan starting lying to her, keeping things from her.

Even then, she might have been able to keep going with it – until she killed the hunter. In a short period of time she found herself racked with guilt at the same time she was having hallucinations so powerful that she almost killed herself. And now Jeremy was more involved in the vampire drama than ever.

It was really hard for Elena to watch Damon leave after he had saved her and brought her home. It was his turn to set a time and place for their next secret rendezvous, but he said nothing in the too brief time he was with her. She knew that both Jeremy and Stefan knew that Damon had brought her home, so she understood why he left, but it was still hard to watch him walk away from her.

Damon had told Elena the reason Stefan was lying to her. Knowing didn't change anything. Stefan's deception had ended up in her having to kill Connor to defend herself, in Jeremy having to get more involved, and in her near suicide. It was really hard for her to open her front door knowing that Stefan was outside, waiting for her.

It was hard to even look at him. She wasn't sure what to say, wasn't sure if she wanted to keep up the ruse, so she told him the truth. "I'm sorry that I stabbed you"

"That's alright. I probably deserved it."

'Oh, you deserved it,' she thought, 'You were the reason for the hallucinations, the reason it all happened.' But she tried to keep her face blank as he spoke again.

"So, uh, Damon told me that he clued you in."

She managed a weak smile, but it was quickly gone. "You didn't kill him did you?" The brief reminder of what Damon had said to her earlier reinforced the stark difference she felt between when she was with Damon and her current feelings with Stefan near. She knew then that she couldn't keep the ruse up. It was over.

He was talking again. "Nah, screw Klaus and his secrets. We all want the same thing. We just have to work together for it."

She followed him to the steps, but left some space between them. She didn't want to be any closer to him.

He didn't look at her, didn't seem like he was going to say anything, so she asked the only real questions she had for him. "Stefan, why did you send Damon to come look for me, instead of you?"

She was watching him, but he barely looked at her as he spoke. "I sent him because lately it seems like he's able to get through to you in ways that I can't. You'll listen to him, trust him, even when you can't trust me."

For some reason, habit, or maybe it was her and Damon's ruse, kicked in. "I didn't mean to not…"

He interrupted her. "Come on, Elena. I mean, after everything we've been through; you can admit it."

She was absolutely sure then that the ruse was over. She hadn't been able to keep her feelings for Damon hidden. She ended up nodding as he watched her. She had wondered sometimes what she would say when it came down to this. The ruse was over, but she still needed to keep his hopes up.

"You have been so strong for me," she began, "helping me, fighting for that girl that chose you – the girl that I was when I died on that bridge." This was all true. "And I love you so much for wanting to find this cure, because I'd like nothing more than to get her back." This was true too. She never wanted to change. "Because, the girl that she's become; that I've become, is different somehow – darker. Who I am, what I want…"

She didn't really realize that she was rambling until he interrupted her. "What you want; or who you want?"

Confirmation again that the ruse was over. There was no need to hide from it anymore, though she did feel some obligation to explain it to him. She nodded a little and looked down as she began her reply.

"Something's changed, between Damon and me, much more that it ever used to be. It's like, it's like everything that I felt for him before I was a vampire…"

"It's been magnified," Stefan interrupted, still not looking at her. "Your feelings for him have been magnified."

She nodded. She really had been bad about hiding things for him, or maybe, when Damon had been so supportive of her while Stefan was judging her and lying to her, she had just stopped caring.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to lie to you," she said. She managed to keep the 'anymore' in her head unspoken. She had never really wanted to lie to him, she had just done what she though she had to.

"You know before, when I was the, uh, the Ripper, I understood why you cared for him. I mean, I practically drove you to it, but now…"

'No kidding!' She thought. 'Damon did everything I asked of him, brought you back from the brink. He saved you and kept me going while you were gone.'

He turned to make eye contact with her. "I can't do this Elena, not anymore."

His words were unexpected, something of a shock. What couldn't he do, watch Damon help her? Be around her while she was becoming a vampire, a vampire that was different from him?

But she didn't want to do it either. She managed to keep her thoughts from him. 'He needs hope,' she told herself as she nodded and said, "I know."

She stayed on the steps with him, waiting for him to leave. Wondering if he would lose hope and move towards being a Ripper again; knowing that if he did, she and Damon would come up with a way to fix him.

She knew she would have to explain her feelings to Jeremy and her friends – feelings she had denied to them before, though she was not sure they believed her denials.

But it wasn't long before she quit thinking about ruses and denials. She wouldn't have to hide her feelings for Damon anymore. She didn't know if Damon would approach her first, or if she would approach him; but she knew that, sooner or later, they would be together again. And this time, there would be no need to hide.


	7. How She'll Remember

_This little scene is a continuation of the scene in which Elena arrives at the Salvatore Boarding House near the end of Season 4, Episode 7 – My Brother's Keeper…_

Damon opened the door as soon as Elena was there. They did not exchange words, he knew she was coming. She didn't need to explain the reason to him. He opened the door wide and she entered.

Stefan obviously didn't know. She was explaining her arrival to him as soon as he appeared in front of her.

"I can't stay at home anymore."

Stefan's first words didn't surprise them. "Pick a room."

His brief hesitation didn't surprise them either. He seemed to be letting Elena squirm a little.

His final words surprised them both. "I'll crash somewhere else."

They were both troubled as he walked away.

"I didn't mean to…" Elena said softly. "It's his home."

"It's his choice," Damon said as they watched his figure disappear from view. He closed the door and turned to Elena. "I know this is hard for you," he said.

She closed her eyes and nodded her head. "Where will he go?"

"He's a vampire, Elena." Damon said, "He can go anywhere."

She shook her head. "Damon," she began as she opened her eyes and looked into his. "I'm a vampire, and I only wanted to come here."

"His choice," Damon repeated.

"Yeah," Elena agreed. "And his choices have been really stupid lately. He's got to have hope, or…" She let her voice trail off.

"Hope in what, Elena? Him and you?"

She looked desperately into his eyes. "I guess, until he can find something else to give him hope, a reason to keep his humanity."

Damon turned his back on her, "Well, I wanted this, even if you didn't."

She grabbed his arm, afraid that he would walk away from her. She couldn't believe she was messing this up already. "It's not that I don't want it, Damon. I do. I really do."

She shook her head and let herself slide into a sitting position, leaning her back against the door. "It was easier when he…didn't know about my feelings for you."

Damon snorted, but sat next to her. "Easier for you, easier for him, maybe, but not easier for all of us."

She let herself rub her head with her hands. "I know," she whispered.

"He's making choices," Damon continued, looking at her while her head was still buried in her hands. "And, like you said, his choices are really stupid."

Elena nodded, and dropped her hands, though she kept her eyes closed. "Did I do that to him? Because I couldn't hide what I'm feeling for you? Did I do that?"

Damon leaned in so that his mouth was near her ear. "He did it to himself, Elena. He's always thought he owned you."

She turned to look into his eyes, so he backed his head away a little. "He says I'm becoming something I'm not supposed to be. What about him? Is he supposed to be a liar, a manipulator? A murderer? Is that what he's supposed to be? That's what he's become. How can he accuse me, but ignore himself?"

Damon laughed a little. "He's Stefan. Do you not remember what he did when he was with Klaus? The people he hurt?"

Elena nodded. "I remember, Damon. And I remember what you did for me then. I haven't forgotten."

Damon was nodding as she continued, "Was I so different? Am I becoming as different a person as I think I am?"

Damon reached for her, putting his hand between her face and her hair. "You look like you always have to me. Strong, protective of everyone around you. Willing to take too much crap from both Stefan and me."

That made Elena laugh little. "Sometimes I don't recognize myself. But you've always stopped me before I…" She lowered her head to rub them with her hands again. "Promise me you'll always keep reminding me of who I am when…when I forget." She looked back into his eyes. "Promise me that you'll remind me."

"I promise. I like you the way you are...I always have. I'll remind you."

She nodded. "And promise me you'll help me find a way to give Stefan hope."

Damon smirked. "He's Stefan. Do you really think he'll give up on you so easily?"

"I'm serious Damon."

Damon let his smirk change to acceptance. "Fine. I promise."

Elena nodded. "Thanks," she said as she stood and reached for her bags.

"Let me," Damon said picking them up. "You find a chair, and I'll be right down to show you how good a host I can be."

Elena followed his hand, which pointed to the chairs, and nodded. "Okay. Thanks."

"Pick a room," Damon repeated, echoing Stefan.

Elena looked at him only briefly, then turned to walk towards a chair. "Surprise me."


	8. The Return to Him

_This is a continuation of the last scene of Season 4, Episode 8 – We'll Always Have Bourbon Street…_

"Does this feel wrong?" Elena tried to read Damon's eyes as she gently put her hand against his face. She looked intently into his eyes, knew she could see what he was thinking, that he agreed with her.

"It feels right," he whispered, "You know that."

She kept her hands in place. "If you want to 'do right' by me, don't try to change this."

Damon pulled his hand away and took a step back. "I told you I don't want to do it, Elena. But what choice do I have? You told me yourself that you don't want to be like me. I don't want that, either. I want you to be you, not some slave to me."

She was desperate to touch him again, but held back. "I don't just do what I think you want, Damon, and I am me. I'm still me. Do you know how I know? I know because I was relieved when I found out I can drink from a blood bag, that I don't have to risk hurting anyone. Damon, that's me, not you."

"But you not being able to drink from bag was me," he said, breaking eye contact with her.

"Not just that, Damon. I helped save Caroline. I saved her after she had been a bitch to me about you. But I didn't want to kill her, or hurt her. I wanted to save her. That wasn't you, that was me"

He looked at her again. "I've saved her before…" he began.

"Yes," she interrupted, closing the gap between him and gently taking hold of his arm. "when you were trying to save me. You kept her from Klaus when you were trying to save me. You did it for me. I did it for her. I did it because I'm still me.

Damon hesitated. He wanted to believer her.

Her eyes were pleading now. "If you must talk to me, if you have to say something to me, tell me to be me. Tell me to argue with you when I think you're wrong, to fight you when I think I need to, but tell me to be me."

When he didn't immediately respond, she added "Don't tell me to forget you or to not love you. That would kill me."

"I just need for your feelings for me to be real."

"They are real, Damon. You know that. It's the only reason we have a problem in the first place."

She could tell he was softening, but wasn't quite convinced. He confirmed as much when he said, "I just don't want you to do anything you don't want to.

She looked earnestly into his eyes as she took both of his hands in hers. "Then tell me that, Damon. Just tell me to follow my heart."

Still he hesitated. "I really need to be sure."

"You can't just compel away the feelings I have for you Damon. Even if you tried, I would still have the feelings."

"They could be part of the sire bond."

The pain she could see in his eyes was too much, she had to look down before she responded. "They aren't. You know that, Damon." She looked back up into his as she reminded him, "you accused me of lying about my feelings for you long before the sire bond. You were right."

Damon didn't release her hands, but looked away.

"If I have the feelings and can't act upon them," she continued in a small voice, "it would hurt me, Damon."

His eyes came back to her as he asked, "What if you thought I wanted something outrageous, something Stefan thinks you would never give me?"

Elena shook he head. "Even if you do it, Damon, even if you tell me to forget you and all of this, Stefan won't believe it. Do you know why? Because sooner or later, the feelings would lead me back to you. He doesn't think I would ever want you, but he's wrong."

Damon snorted. "He thinks I'm not right for you."

Elena nodded. "It wouldn't matter if I told him that I had the feelings before I turned, it didn't matter when I told him that I'm getting darker – who I am and what I want. He doesn't understand that I'm still me, that I'm me and I want you."

Damon was still hesitating, though she thought he was listening to her now. "He'll never believe that you really did it, Damon. Not him, not Caroline. They won't believe it because I will find my way back to you. They won't like it then any more than they like it now."

"But you'll have a choice," he whispered. "Now they think anything you do or say will because you trust me too much…"

She wasn't sure he was done speaking, but she had to interrupt. "I do trust you Damon. If they would think about it, they would know that. I trusted you when couldn't trust Stefan at all – both before and after I turned. I trusted you then, and I trust you now."

She continued to hold onto his hands and to look intently into his eyes as she said, "Ask me to do anything you want, except to forget you or not love you. Anything, Damon. Just don't make me take the long way back to you."

He stared into her eyes knowing that she was right. He could choose to let her keep the connection she was begging him to keep, or to let her find his way back to him – after doing something that would, if only temporarily, please his brother.


	9. What They Will Remember

_This little encounter takes place after Season 4, Episode 9 – O Come, All Ye Faithful…_

"You're here," Elena said softly. She heard Damon enter her room through the window. He was sitting at the window, so she sat up in her bed, intending to go to him.

"Just to talk," Damon said.

"Talk," Elena repeated, staying in place, but looking down to where her feet were under the covers. "You mean to tell me again that, because I want you, you don't want me."

Damon winced a little. "You know that's not it."

Elena let her pain show. "Isn't it? Just because my feelings for you keep getting stronger…"

"Just because of the sire bond," Damon interrupted, correcting her.

She shook her head. "I don't buy it, Damon. Why is this bond any less real than the schoolgirl crush I had on Stefan?"

Damon didn't respond. He just looked at the floor.

"Every time I'm with you," Elena continued, "every time someone tries to talk me out of it, my feelings for you get stronger. You can send me away and tell me to live my life without you, but it only strengthens the bond. I can't stop the way I feel about you, and I don't want to."

Damon looked up to meet her eyes. "You have to."

"Then you have to do something besides protect me," Elena countered. "something besides help me and my brother. You need to be like Stefan – lie to me, criticize me, accuse me. Maybe then I could walk away from you."

Damon just shook his head, so Elena continued, "You won't," Elena said, "because you love me as much as I love you. The bond works both ways."

He was still shaking his head when he said, "I don't love you just because of the sire bond."

"Same here, Damon. You know the bond only strengthens the feelings. You can't take the feelings from me, and I can't believe you're trying to."

He winced again, just a little. "I'm not trying to take your feelings from you. I just need to know they're real."

"I know they're real," Elena said emphatically. "If I haven't been able to show that to you, then I don't know what else I can do."

"Neither do I." Damon said softly. "I just know I have to be careful with you."

Elena nodded. "I know. I know you want me as much as I want you, and I know why you're doing this, but Damon, it only makes the bond stronger. It's just another way that you're showing me that you love me."

Damon nodded, but didn't say anything else, so Elena finally asked, "So what do we do?"

"We wait for the cure," Damon said. "When you're human again, the sire bond should be gone."

Elena almost laughed. "Do you really think you can cure me from loving you? You know the feelings were there before."

"But you didn't act on them," he countered.

"That doesn't mean they weren't there, Damon. I stayed true to Stefan through it all, but I was different by the time I changed. It wouldn't have lasted with Stefan, and it won't last if I'm cured of this vampirism."

Damon shrugged. "You may forget all about this, about me…"

"I keep a journal, Damon," Elena interrupted. "Everything you've done for me, everything you've done for Jeremy is there for me to see. So is everything Stefan and Caroline are doing to me. I won't forget."

Damon nodded. "But you'll be free."

"I'm free now, Damon," she countered. "Free to love who I want, free to save my friends and fight with those trying to hurt us. The only think I'm not free to do is to go to you. I'm forced to keep my distance."

"It'll give Stefan hope," Damon offered weakly.

"It's giving Stefan control," Elena countered. "I don't want him to control either of us, certainly not whether or not we can be together."

Her reaction startled Damon. "He's not controlling this, Elena. This is me being as careful as can with what I love most, with who I love most."

Elena looked down again. "I'm a vampire, Damon. I can kill with a twist of my wrist. Whatever you can dish out, I can take. You don't have to be careful with me."

"Not for you," Damon agreed, "but I have to be careful with you for me." He made sure he had her eyes as he added, "This is what will make me happy."

Elena cringed at the words. "Things can never be the same between me and Stefan. You know that."

"I know," Damon said. "They can never be the same between you and me, either."

"Maybe that's true, Damon," Elena said. "But whatever else is true, my feelings for you are getting stronger. Don't forget that."

"I won't," Damon said, rising and walking to her. He kissed her forehead as she closed her eyes, hoping for more. As Damon turned to leave, he added "And you remember that whatever I do, it's because I love you."

"I'll remember," Elena whispered as she opened her eyes to see that he was gone.

* * *

_Actually, I think the sire bond thing is a pretty good plot item. Though I at first thought of it as a way to cheat us out of Delena, to minimize it or whatever, it really is just proof that her feelings were there for Damon all along (a la __Lying to Herself__), so will be there after. And surely the intensity of the feelings now dwarfs anything she ever had for Stefan. She'll have a reference point…_

_Too much babble…The game begins again in a couple of days, and I will be there…_


End file.
